Holiday Shoulds

The Holidays.

Anticipating them can fill you with joy, or with dread.

As a clinician, it worries me to see how many of my patients suffer from the
effects of holiday-induced stress. As a culture, we all say trite things like, “Oh,
you know how crazy it gets during the holidays,” perhaps with an eye-roll or a
knowing sigh, without owning any complicity. It’s a time of the year that just
“happens” to us, and we hurry along with everyone else to the mall, to parties, to
the Christmas tree lot.

Now, we DO love some of these traditions, and we should approach these with
joy and gratitude (Nut Cracker Ballet? Company party? Your cousin’s delicious
cornbread stuffing?) But too many people – particularly women – come to see
me in November and December with their many tasks on their minds, and even
though they’re in my clinic to address their health concerns, they are unwittingly
adding fuel to the fire with avoidable stress.

Avoidable? Did I just say that?

Well, let’s all just take a deep breath here, before we start a small revolution.
The revolution being: what if we approached the holidays with more
mindfulness? What if we examined each of the activities that are “always” done,
and decided whether or not we’re really going to do them this year? Might we
enjoy ourselves more? Feel more joy? Give others “permission” to do the same
through our own example?

Before reporting for duty this year, ask yourself the radical question: must I do
any of the following?

Spend time with your family. If you miss them and don’t feel you get to spend
enough time with them throughout the year, then yes – of course you should see
your family over the holidays. But if you’ve noticed that you’ve been feeling
anything but joyful when you leave Aunt Martha’s house after Christmas dinner
every year, perhaps it’s time to skip it. Plenty of comedies poke fun at
dysfunctional family behavior around the holiday table, but in real life it’s not
funny when you’re the yearly focus for bad jokes, harassment, or outright verbal
abuse. Just because they’re family doesn’t mean you need to hang out with
them! Preserve your sanity: grab a few orphaned friends, go out for Chinese
food, and see a movie instead. You’ll have so much more fun.

A friend of mine goes to see her partner’s family for a quick Christmas morning
breakfast, after which they have firm plans to have dinner with friends. That way
they fulfill their obligation and leave at a high point, before the family dynamics
come in to play or too many Gin Fizzes get consumed. Brilliant!

Follow established traditions. Years ago, my mother-in-law made a gorgeous
leg of lamb for Thanksgiving dinner alongside the traditional turkey.
“Wait, you can do that?” I asked her.

“Of course Honey, we can do whatever we like.”

Well, strike me down, I suppose we can. I don’t really like turkey, and my
mother-in-law taught me how to make lamb, so that’s what I do every year for
Thanksgiving to this day. And we don’t have to suffer through a week of turkey
sandwhiches-soup-casserole-and-whatever-else-you-can-do-with-leftovers.
See also: the previous recommendation to go out for Chinese food – I did that
with friends for years on Christmas day. I still miss those days!

Eat everything. There’s a difference between really enjoying a slice of pecan
pie, and eating alltheholidaycookiesbecauseIwillgoonadietafternewyears. Do you
really want to greet the New Year feeling awful? I didn’t think so. Therefore, be
prepared for your Uncle George’s disappointment when you turn down a second
helping of his famous trifle. You need to eat to YOUR comfort level, not his. And
you can politely placate him with a nice “I’m so full, I couldn’t eat another bite –
although it was so good!”

Go shopping. OK, we don’t need to get into the whole capitalism / materialism
issue here. And if you LOVE gift-giving, have at it. But examine your
compunction to battle crowds and exhaust your energy in an effort to find gifts for
everyone. Instead, ask your body if it might be happier sitting at home with the
dog and a cup of tea, writing out heartfelt holiday cards; let tears of love and
gratitude slide down your face when you think about how lucky you are to have
such lovely friends and family members. Or, see how your siblings / parents /
cousins react when you suggest that only the kids should get presents this year;
you may notice an expression of relief.

If you’ve bravely re-examined any of the above and said “no” to some former
obligations, you may find yourself with more time to do something really nice for others. Hold the door open for someone at the mall, and help them carry their
packages to their car – you’re not in a rush! Volunteer at a food bank. Babysit
for the single mom next door, so she can fulfill her own need to go to the crowded
mall. (You can only fix yourself, not other people!) Take her kids to the
Nutcracker. Go spend time with your lovely cousin (so you can beg for her
stuffing recipe). Allow time to expand, and fill up the new space with some
quietude.

And really, really enjoy the holidays.